I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to be able to sing at any given time of day, any way I can, anywhere I am. I’m grateful to be able to dance. And I’m grateful for the opportunity the Lord has given me to serve Him.
Thirty three years I’ve been walking this earth and I’m grateful for every wonderful, wonderful step the Lord has allowed me to take. I look at my life and all I see is how the Lord has helped me every step of the way.
God has blessed me by allowing me to grow up in a family – with extended family – where everyone considered me as the brilliant, beautiful, talented, good girl. When I finally realized how difficult it was to maintain the label I was given and how I can never meet my family’s expectations, I brought my case to God. I was nine.
I woke up one day, the summer of 1990, crying in bed. I was alone. My day was prepared for me. Every minute counts. Every thing needs to be done. Every move I’m going to make for the day was listed for me. I’m to study the song I’ll be singing at church in two weeks. The title of the song is, “Why have You chosen me?” I was told to listen carefully to every word of the song and allow it to ‘consume my whole being.’ I was nine. I had no idea how that was done but I listened to the song.
Surprisingly, it ‘consumed’ me. In my heart, I started to hate God. And then I started accusing God for being such a liar. And that I won’t be singing that song. In fact, I’ve decided I’m never going to sing again. The song lyrics were not true. I started throwing everything in the house. I remember throwing a beautiful voss I, apparently, inherited from my biological father. I started shredding the pages of the books I, apparently, inherited from my biological father. And then I started yelling. I was so angry with God. I asked, if He loved me so much, gave His Son for me, why am I waking up all alone today? Why do I have such a strict mother? Why is everybody expecting too much from me? Why did He give me a biological father who would abandon me? Why do I feel like no one cares? Why did He choose me? Why did He even bring me here on earth? What am I suppose to do for Him as a little girl? What am I suppose to do here on earth? What can I possibly do for Him?
I started to believe that He’s not real, He doesn’t exist. That I’m a crazy, sad girl, alone in the world. I said He didn’t choose me. I told Him I hated Him. I told Him, He can’t even show Himself to me, why should I believe Him?
Right at that moment, it’s hard to describe but it felt like I was suddenly in a trance. And then I saw my mom. She was young. She was pregnant. And then I realised, it was me in her tummy. She was sitting quietly and then I saw myself as a baby, giggling. There was a man. I couldn’t see his face but he was talking to me. And then my mom gave birth to me. He was there. All too excited. When my biological father decided to leave us, he was there holding my tiny hand. When I went to my mom’s province, with my grandma, he was there in the ship sitting beside me, standing with me, lying right next to me.
Every time I sang at church, he was there crying. Clapping his hands for me. And the moments earlier that day when I was being angry with God, he was there listening to me. I didn’t know he was there. I could never see a face. Just an image of a man. Suddenly, I’m brought back to reality. It was weird because suddenly my reality was, He was embracing me so tight.
I cried and cried. I kept asking Him to forgive me. And then, even if I couldn’t sing properly because of the overwhelming emotions, I started singing. And then in between cries and singing the song I said, “You’re my Father. You chose me. You brought me here to sing for You. I will sing for You as long as I can sing. I will sing for You as long as I can breathe. I’m going to sing for You if that’s the only thing I ever have to do in this life. You brought me here so You could show me how much You love me. So sorry. I love You, Abba Father.”