At this point in time of my life, I’m at this crossroad I never imagined beyond my wildest dreams that I’d actually be. Never. But I’m making my decision. This is the rest of my life.
I once told a funny man this statement, ‘Sweetheart, in you I have found enough trouble for a dozen lifetimes.’ And it’s true. He was too much turmoil for me, I wanted to be away from him as far away as possible but at the same time, I know I just really want to be so close to him and tell him that I understand his pains whether that be at that present time or the past. Somehow, I understood what I was trying so hard to convince myself to believe – that I didn’t understand – what was happening.
I don’t think I ever cried that way before when I cried to God to take me away from him. I want him to let me in and that I just wanted to hold him close.
In my understanding, when you love someone so much, as initially confessed, you have to fight for that love. You do everything you can. As a lady, I wanted to see if he was gonna fight for me. That’s how men normally do these things. But he turned his back and immediately went for another girl. You can imagine my pain. I was so dumbfounded with what happened, I didn’t know how to react. So I did what I did best. I laughed.
I couldn’t believe the lie I made myself believe that this man, in all his “general splendor,” actually convinced me he loved me. I was hurt. I want to forget about the pain. I want nothing to do with the pain.
But. He ruined everything for me: the social media site that I loved, my faith in mankind, my belief in my own intellect, my reputation.
Bigger BUT. I love him. And the ruin was transformed into beautiful ruins. So now, I say the same things in a different way:
“Sweetheart, in you I have found enough trouble for a dozen lifetimes. But you’re exactly the kind of trouble I need. The trouble I want to have for more than a dozen lifetimes.”
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see… since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. – Hebrews 11:1, 40